I HATE TWITTER

The following e-mails between Twitter support and me are all from Sunday March 22, 2020, when I was blocked three days after joining Twitter for the first time. To this day I have yet to receive an answer.

--- XXX ---

Hello,

Your account appears to have exhibited automated behavior that violates the Twitter Rules: https://support.twitter.com/articles/18311.

Once you confirm your identity, it may take up to a few minutes for your account to be unlocked.

If you're still experiencing an issue after confirming your identity, please reply to this message and provide us with specific details of the problem you're experiencing. We'll do our best to help!

Thanks,

Twitter Support

--- XXX ---

Hi, I can't access step 2. This is all I see:

I don't get any incoming call. I've already confirmed this phone number.

This feels like censorship and is very unpleasant.

It also happens after I reported some hate speech.

--- XXX ---

Please, people are losing their jobs, me one of them. If you have a job, please DO work. I don't care if it's Sunday. There's no Sundays anymore here where I live, Spain.

As far as I know my great fault has been to press "like" on a lot of tweets, apparently - according to you - in a botlike manner. I can assure you I'm not a bot, wish I was, really.

Also, I don't want to think it's about the content I have post, because you're platform is well known for allowing a lot of fake news, and you don't seem to have a problem with these.

You're also well known for a strong leftist bias, again I hope this is not the issue because you're getting open to being sued, this is not acceptable in the EU.

This is my first time using your product and until this the experience was great.

Now, not so much.

--- XXX ---

I am truly flabbergasted by the speed and diligence of your support service. And the quality... Boy, the quality is top notch too.

Do you by any chance have some jobs to cover there?

Hey, I can work on Sundays!

--- XXX ---

Do you still think I'm a bot? Because that would be very inconsiderate of you, dear Mr. Support Service.

Maybe in the future I'm allowed to resume my tweeting. Who knows? Maybe in the year 2525, if the man is still alive, as the tune goes.

While waiting for a non automated answer by you - oh the irony! - I've begun to read Das Kapital by Karl Marx. I'm already halfway through.

Man, it really is a bullshit book, but I hope this makes me eligible in a near future for that freedom of speech service you seem to deliver, specially during these hard times of isolation and social disruption.

If I promise to adhere to that enthralling gulag idea of yours, do you think this support service process will go any faster?

Because, hell, Lenin sported a great goatee, I'm ready to admit that!

--- XXX ---

I know communist regimes are not famous by their efficiency but, between you and me, this is getting out of whack.

Do you have any five-year plan, like solve a support issue every X time? Maybe once in a lustrum? I could make good use of that.

I'm gonna take back that generous job offer I made to you for myself. Yes, you probably were looking forward to have a communist mate as much as I did. Dude, just imagine the great things we could have done, like skinning people alive in a damp basement for not collaborating enough with our regime of terror, or obliterating whole nations because they get in the mid of our great bolshevik maps. Oh the joy! Oh the pain in their faces!

Sadly, I don't feel you're supportive enough and, let me tell you, I take this support shit very seriously.

Without support, structures fall down, marriages break up, and everything goes bananas in a very banana republic way of going full bananas.

Please, reconsider your lack of supportiveness and answer me. Since my first e-mail to you, my beard has grown two full Karl Marx sizes and a half, and is threatening to go a bit beyond that.

Dasvidaniya and take care.

--- XXX ---

This support service of yours sucks Stalin balls, man, sorry for the explicit image but I still think that Stalin balls are marginally better than donkey balls or monkey balls. Not that I'm an expert on the matter of balls, but, whatever whose balls are those, your support is still that: balls.

I don't even know how a great communist company like Twitter can get a pass with a Potemkin sort of support service like this.

Not even the Khmer Rouge would have allowed this kind of nonsense!

When that faulty Maoist algorithm of yours pointed at me shouting CAPTCHAS and whatnots, how little I knew this shit would take forever!

Can I exchange some time of sentence here in the Twitter gulag for some whipping? Hard whipping even.

Please, let me know if I can do anything to speed up this kafkian process.

Spasiba.

--- XXX ---

I swear allegiance to the wonderful set of Twitter rules that seems to be only applied to users that are not Catalonian nazi spreading fake news or communist spreading fake news.

Is that enough? Yes? No? You don't seem too talkative today, my dear Russki comrade.

Have you read that 1984 book? Can you ban my ex-girlfriend instead of me? Take me out of this goddamn room 101, please, I beg you on my knees.

I'm this close to copy paste and send to you the Soviet anthem lyrics, to prove I relented from my evil wicked ways.

What a great wonderful song this lil communist tune is, don't you think? Rossiya svyashchennaya nasha derzhava, Rossiya lyubimaya nasha strana...

Listening to this joyful music I could sign Molotov-Ribbentrop pacts all day!

PS: My Karl Marx mammoth beard is now this close to split up Poland with the nazis. Hope you're proud of yourself, not enough supportive support service!

--- XXX ---

Fucking five hours after my first e-mail and still not a single human fucking answer. You guys of Twitter support must be rebuilding the Berlin wall or something.

Or... it could be that Twitter has conflated its Support Service with its Secret Service and you can say a word about it. Ha!

If that's the case, please, drop me a winking emoji or something, but in a casual way, so your commisar doesn't notice.

After all this time we've spent together I'd hate if any of you end in Siberia, although you may very well deserve it after all.

Nasdrovie! *empties vodka glass*

How's my case going? Please, tell me. Do I still have chances to be welcomed into that wonderful workers' paradise of yours?

Sincerely,

The support service supporter not being served nor supported at all.

PS: Just imagine the tons of free content I could have generated for your evil enterprise by this time! Is this crazy or what?

--- XXX ---

Are you aware of that thing called human rights and human dignity and human humanity? It's quite a novel concept.

And "customer is always right"? Does that ring a bell up there in the Kremlin, where you Twitter twats operate?

I'm gonna stop now for a bit, but don't worry, I will return as fuck. In fact, I'm gonna return as a storm of fucks. Gonna program some shitty spambot in JavaScript. Maybe your machines are more open to talk to it than to me?

If I triumph over your evil tiranny, which I will do (no doubt), you guys are gonna e-mail me asking me for support and begging me to stop.

And, as I am a very reasonable PERSON and a HUMAN BEING, maybe I'll be gracious enough to give in, but only after I make you pass a shit-ton of CAPTCHAS and phone confirmation codes that will cost you 6 kopeks at least.

That's a whole year's pay in Russia!

--- XXX ---

Really George?

Still blocked and not a single answer?

I'm appalled at the stellar level of your stupid incompetence, sir.

From now on I'm gonna put the word "support" around quotes when talking about you. And these will be ironic quotes, bitch!

If the fucking Ceaucescus had a son with a lazy monkey, that poor resulting monster would not work slower than you, Twatter "support".

Where are your offices in Spain exactly? I'd gladly pay you a visit with a nazi flamethrower or an ice axe if I had one of those. Oh how I wish I had one of those, Twatter "support".

I would happily smash the car glass of all your fucking nomenklatura cars.

I stop now because I'm running out of communist jokes and I need them for my next e-mail, right in a minute.

Fucking communist bureaucrats, what a great "support" service.

If I was a Catalonian nazi cunt spreading fake news like virus you would be running on your fat ass to solve this issue. But oh no, as I do believe in democracy and FREE SPEECH ON EQUAL GROUNDS, YOU TOTALITARIAN CUNTS, I'm abandoned here, with not a single fucking human answer after all this time.

You're probably too busy eating Puigdemont and Ponsati cocks.

"Support", LOL. Give me a break, motherfuckers.

--- XXX ---

Damn, a small correction... You know in my last e-mail 20 minutes ago, when I said right at the end "Give me a break, motherfuckers"?

I forgot to add an exclamation sign, like: Give me a break, motherfuckers!

In the meanwhile, how's it going with @ClaraPonsati big nazi cock, did you stop sucking that or are you still at it?

I'm gonna report you for being accomplice of HATE SPEECH against the poor Spanish people.

You never take those Catalonian nazi tweets down, and when people join your "service" to defend HUMAN DECENCY you block them for three fucking days.

Come on you fucking communist bastards, don't you even have a small heart?

Do you know that those fucking Catalonian nazis half of them are child molesters? I dare you to google for "ERC" and "pedophile" in the same sentence. I double dog dick dare you!

But oh no, you can't do that because you're too busy "supporting" these bastards.

Encouraging pedophilia besides Catalonian nazism and communism and its millions of dead... You should be ashamed you fucking machine of death.

THE STUPID BIRD IN YOUR FUCKING LOGO SHOULD BE A VULTURE, YOU MISERABLE TWATS

--- XXX ---

Do I still exhibit automated behavior, you fucking communist robots?

Not a single answer after a whole day.

Have you ever heard of Stakhanovism? Or the term "work" for that matter?

Just the "work" concept alone would blow your mind. It's like when you do what you're being paid for.

I know, it's revolutionary!

You should try it from time to time, for a change.

Fuck, there's people than even try "work hard"! Can you fucking believe it?

I know it's a total new concept for you, so if you're finally going to try it, just take it easy at the beginning.

Maybe answer only one e-mail each day until you get used to it.

Just don't go crazy about that "work" idea or you may get injured, probably on a finger. That same finger right now is stuck on @KRLS ass while you give him a strong prostate massage.

What is he tweeting now? Maybe he has started a new coup d'etat on my country. I can't check because you blocked me for nothing!

--- XXX ---

How many rubles get you paid by @PabloIglesias and their henchmen? I'm honestly curious.

"You have exceeded the number of allowed attempts to verify your phone. Please try again later."

But you never called me, not even once, you fucking vultures!

Where's my support, bitch? My equal grounds? My right to express?

I'm going full Tony Montana on you, motherfuckers. You watch.

--- XXX ---

Hahaha, I'm back on Twitter, you idiots, fighting your idiocy with CLEVER WORDS.

You can't possibly fucking stop me!

SUCK THAT @ClaraPonsati SUPREMACIST COCK, MOTHERFUCKERS!

--- XXX ---

WTF YOU FUCKING TWITTER VULTURES

My account is temporarily restricted?

Caution: This account is temporarily restricted
You're seeing this warning because there has been some unusual activity from this account. Do you still want to view it?

Oh boy, your amorality is fucking off the charts!

You can run all the "Do the five. Stop the spread of coronavirus" spam shit you want, but people is dying here in Spain because your stupid feminazi agitprop. And then you ban me, for clicking "like" too much.

I WILL NEVER FORGET THIS, AMORAL MOTHERFUCKERS

--- XXX ---

There are groups spreading fake news in hard times like these, and you don't do a shit about it.

These fake news affect people's lives and future. You could pull the "SORRY, WE DIDN'T KNOW" card if only you were a bit neutral about this whole fucking process.

But no, of course. You are endorsing this shit. You're part of the fucking problem.

I hope your rotten business dies in a fire.

And just to prove you're reading all of this: my new account is @CocksTwatter, name: Twatter Sucks Ponsati Cocks

Go and ban me again, you totalitarian pricks.

--- XXX ---

LMAO facepalm

Your phone number has been added to another account.
Is this still your phone number? If not, please update your account (@planeadorabajo1) with your current phone number.

And how am I supposed to do that, you fucking geniuses, if I can't access my original account anymore?

All your automated systems seem designed to suck @sanchezcastejon ass.

--- XXX ---

The saddest part: I bet the four supremacist tweets I reported before you banned me are still there.

--- XXX ---

INDEED, THEY ARE.